Spending three years researching how the church can respond to people who experience same-sex attraction, has been a long journey and a good learning curve. It was heartening to discover that the churches that I had contact with at least, could not be accused of the dire things that many have recounted from years past. I surveyed 250 people across the world who related to being ex or post-gay and interviewed 43 congregants. Some were same-sex attracted and some had family who were. Of the congregants a small number had experiences of being thrown out of churches or having encountered very unhelpful responses. But the worst of these were all from twenty years previously.
Some unhelpful practices continue. One of the biggest being the silence in churches today, where pastors seem to be reluctant or afraid to speak about homosexuality. And this leads often to people being ignored. Especially if these people want to walk in obedience to how they interpret scripture, and they want to either live without acting on their feelings, or they want to find freedom from these feelings. It seems that those who happily adopt pro-gay affirming positions find some churches who will embrace them and they can be open about who they are. For those who do not want to go with this view, it is far harder in a lot of ways.
However, because many churches are a little more informed, at least people seem to be finding places where they can belong. And if they find someone who is prepared to listen and to walk with them on their journey they have much of what they need to grow. Here the church can certainly improve by teaching people to love those that they would not naturally feel an affinity for. The church will grow healthier all round, if it becomes a place where all are treated as dear family. And families can be messy.
Pastors can help by becoming more aware of same-sex attraction and to learn more about it. Because we are bombarded by other views from sitcoms to Synods, often pastors and leaders feel they already have a reasonable knowledge. However, what also came through clearly from congregants was the frustration that most know very little and some take little interest. Get to know some post-gay people. Yes, they are in your church. Most churches have people who 'have been there'. We need to become more transparent because we all are simply sinners in need of soul change.
It starts with breaking the silence barrier.